Balls Steelface Faces the World
by DemonHide
Summary: On a faraway desert planet where mankind has struggled to carve out a meager existence, one man seeks action, adventure, and bad jokes in his quest for revenge. 5-chapter parody of Duke Nukem (character) using an original character. Rated M for crude language, violence and adult themes.
1. Balls Begins

The town of Rivendale is a peaceful little village on the border between the first settlement and the badlands. The people lived a life devoid of some amenities, but they were happy. After all, since mankind migrated to planet UrFace over one thousand years ago, they are lucky to be able to make a living at all. Humans adapt, however, and do so quite well. It is on this slightly overcast and cool morning that the inhabitants of Rivendale would have an unusual and rude awakening.

The bellowing staccato of a powerful 10,000cc 12-cylinder machine rumbled through the sleepy village at lightning speed. It was built by a personal engineer out of parts salvaged from the long-dead space-faring citizenry, known now as the Settlers. Residents dove for cover and cowered at its presence. They did so because this unmistakeable earth-shattering noise could signify only one thing. This was the coming of none other than...

"Balls." The intimidating man on the massive motorcycle narrated for himself. "Balls Steelface." He introduced himself further. "I'm the big shot around these parts, you dig? Me and ol' Crusher here," Balls patted his bike. "We been together a long time. People come to me for the jobs they don't got the _balls_ to do themselves."

He eventually pulled into a dusty saloon. The reddish soil flew from the force of the exhaust. He let the roar die down, then dismounted the metal stallion. No need to tie it down or bother with keys. "This baby starts and stops when I want her to. Nobody's fool enough to try and take her from me. If you think you can, you gotta earn her respect. I'll let her go without a fight if you got the bigger pair. And let me tell you, it's the pair in your heart that truly matters."

With every step, his black biker cleats kicked up more of the soil. He took off his aviators and put them in the breast pocket of his leather vest, revealing an eyepatch on the left eye and an enclosed scouter in place of the right. Besides a pair of worn denim jeans, and a 5-gallon hat that he left on the bike, he also wore a stiff belt with a variety of tools of the trade.

Balls looked at the sign on the outside of the saloon; it read 'Dusty Devil'. He would enter casually, without fear or worry. He continued to speak to the 4th wall. "That's just for work. Back at base, I'm always afraid of being too cool or worried that my balls are too huge. Sometimes, I have nightmares where they become so big that I gotta fight them myself. A fate worse than death."

The barkeep shot a glance at the newcomer during that inner monologue. A good keep always knows who comes in and out of his pub. It took a second for the realization to sink in. The noise outside, the size and style of this man, the unmitigated aura. He dropped the glass he was wiping. "I-I-It's him!"

The patrons all turned their heads and went pale. "I don't believe it..."

"W-What's he doing here?"

"Who's he after now?"

"I smell trouble..."

Balls wasted no more time as he stated his business to everyone in the room. "I'm looking for a slimy weasel who thought he could get away from my client's audits."

There was silence. Many were still in shock at this man's presence.

"Now look here, fellas." Balls continued. "This ain't personal. Just business. I only want to find this guy here and bring him back to face the music." He held up a large photograph of a disheveled, portly middle-aged man with a large bald spot at the center of his scalp.

The barkeep was the first to speak. He had the information, and the sooner he said something, the sooner they would be left alone. "I-I know. I know who that is. He came by here yesterday for a pint. He was very nervous. I think he's staying at the motel a few miles down the road. If you're fast you can still catch him."

"That's all I need." Balls went up to the bar and raised his hand, bringing it down with great speed.

"AIEEEEEE!" The barkeep cowered behind the bar.

"Thanks for the tip. Keep the change." Balls put his aviators back on and exited the saloon. He had left a small shard of Gilver as payment for the information.

Outside, he nonchalantly mounted his beloved bike. "Come on, Crusher. We got ourselves a bounty to catch."

Balls was an hour into another stretch of lonely road. There weren't too many natural resources on UrFace, at least not those that were easily accessible. The road was simply a well-worn track across the salt flats. At last, he came across the motel the barkeep spoke of.

"A few miles my ass." Balls' cigar was just a stub at this point. He had expected to smoke it all the way back if not for the incorrect distance quoted. "This scum-sucker better be here or I'll be pissed."

He entered the reception area which, for a motel in the middle of nowhere on a hostile barren planet, wasn't all that bad. At least the dead things had been brought out back before they stunk up the place. Not that Balls cared. He was only there for one thing.

"You seen this ugly mug around here, pal?" He slammed the photo down on the desk, controlling his force so as not to break it.

The tender didn't bother looking up from his newspaper. "Can't say that I have." He licked his index finger and turned the page.

Balls slammed the desk once more, without as much care.

The tender fell to the ground amidst the broken pieces and scrounged for his glasses. Finally finding them, he got a good look at this rough customer and suddenly got a little friendlier. "B-b-but if I did, he'd b-be in room 201."

Balls tossed a larger shard of Gilver at the tender. "That's for the desk."

The tender reluctantly took it. "Kind s-sir, this is too much for a mere desk."

"The extra's for cleaning up this dump. Now shut the hell up." Balls left without another word.

When he reached room 201, he gave this wanted man the courtesy he gave all other bounty targets: A chance to surrender. He casually opened the door and rolled a flash-bang grenade inside. He closed the door again and leaned against it, taking one last puff on the cigar. "Mmm... Earthy blend."

_FLASH! BANG!_

A scream permeated the air. It was woman's cry. A lesser bounty hunter would have rushed in there afraid that they got the wrong target. Balls knew better.

He rushed in there, kicking the door down. He passed by the prostitute on the bed who was still disoriented. Barging into the bathroom, he found his target hiding behind the compost toilet. "Gotcha, motherfucker."

"P-please, have mercy! Mercy! What did I do? Who's paying you I-I'll double, triple it! I'll pay whatever you want!" The bounty's name was unimportant. He would be dealt with soon.

"Pay me, huh?" Balls tells it like it is. "You see, I run a reputable business. Something you're not familiar with according to my client. That's why you went and got on his bad side. Now, you're on my bad side." Everything comes full circle on this planet, a lesson that was about to be taught again.

"N-No... PLEA-!" In a desperate attempt to escape, the portly man fell over and knocked himself out on the edge of the wooden toilet box.

Balls picked him up and tossed him over his shoulder. "Too easy." He passed by the prostitute again, now recovered. "Sorry about flashin' and bangin' ya earlier. What's your name?"

"Candy." She twirled her hair and looked him over.

"All right, follow me." Balls' Crusher didn't have enough room for all of them, at least not yet. He kicked a lever opposite of the gear shift. "It ain't the most comfortable seat, but I got the steel to get behind this wheel."

Suddenly, the Crusher became the Rod. 4 wheels split from 2, all 12 cylinders re-arranged and exposed, gleaming under the twin suns, and a body wide enough to accommodate the largest Goretusk this side of the badlands.

Balls dumped the bounty in the back seat and addressed the girl. "Come on, baby. Get on my Rod."

"Um, don't you mean _in_, sir?" The prostitute giggled.

Balls pulled out his aviators again. "You don't get in the Rod. The Rod..." He put them on. "...Gets in you." He cranked up the radio to some Motorhead and they drove off into the distance. It was time to collect some G's for the trouble.


	2. Awesome Pair

The Rod roared across the salt flats at tremendous speed. It was an open-top design with no windshield. The passengers would need to wear helmets just to sit upright. "My aviators provide all the wind protection I need." Balls didn't care about the bugs and debris. "The critters stay on UrFace and outta mine."

"Where're we goin', mister?" Candy yelled through the motorcycle helmet.

"Taking you home." Balls spoke at his ordinary level. It is said that even his whisper could be heard hundreds of miles away.

He stopped at the first brothel they came across. "It was a hot ride, baby. Now get off my Rod." Balls left her on the corner with a few Gilver shards and continued on his way.

Candy ran after him. "I'm a mayor's aide, not a whore! NOOOOO!"

Balls was long gone. He didn't revert the Rod back into the Crusher just yet. "This beast handles off-roading better." He took the scenic route. "We're turning here." He turned at the lone cactus and went straight West across the open country.

"You comfortable back there, pigman?" Balls mocked his remaining passenger. "I bet if your stomach was filled with Gilver, you'd be worth a hell of a lot more than what my client will pay me for your fat ass."

The prisoner was neither tied up nor gagged. At these blistering speeds, it would be suicide to raise your head unless you had balls the size of it. That, and the whole situation also left him too scared to speak.

"That's right. I got your goat and there's no escape. Remember that next time.. if there even is a next time for you." Balls spoke words of truth. At last, they arrived at a small, featureless platform in the middle of nowhere.

An intercom speaker with a camera whirred out of the ground and a dignified voice responded. "Ah, Mr. Steelface. We've been expecting you. As usual, the voice-activated passcode is 'Open Sesame'. Please do get it right this time."

"Open says me." He never got it right, but it always opened. Everything on UrFace opens wide for Balls.

The platform bifurcated itself and opened into a narrow, moist cave. He tried to get the Rod inside. "Tight fit. And I don't got any lube." He set the gear shift lever straight forward to the uppermost position. The Rod transformed back into the Crusher.

Balls used his massive muscles to help squeeze down the passageway. "Hng... Ripped for her pleasure." He got to an even narrower section. It seemed to be a door of some kind. "Looks like machines won't get through. Too much vibration. We'll have to wriggle our way in there. Get over here."

The portly man waddled in front with Balls taking up the rear. "Pretend you're a bead and make it nice and wide for me." The passage led to a cavernous, oval chamber.

A high throne in the back of the room faced away from the guests. As they approached, it let out a hissing steam. It lowered and turned slowly, revealing...

"Ah, my favorite bounty hunter. How goes it on this fine, scorching day?" A short man with a narrow face hopped off the throne. It was a strange comment about the weather as the chamber was quite expensively climate-controlled.

"I'm here for business, Murgle." Balls got right down to it.

"Of course, of course. Surely, you wouldn't refuse a spot of tea? Jasper? Oh, Jasper!" Murgle called out to his butler. "Bring us two cups of Earl Gray, would you?"

Balls had learned to humor him if he wanted to get paid. "Here's your little buddy." He threw the prisoner on the ground in front of him.

"Wonderful, hoo hoo hoo! Slippery, that one." Murgle received his cup. "Come, a toast to your success!"

Balls took his cup. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the ground in homage to those he lost.

Murgle sipped his tea loudly. "Delicious! Too bad your partner was never a fan of my tea. A real shame, tsk tsk tsk."

"Nuke was a good man." Balls spoke with a hint of regret and contained anger. "We always worked as a pair. It ain't right when there's only one."

"Hmph. No matter. As promised, here's your 100 Gilver shards." Murgle threw out a pouch. He grew bored of conversation. "Don't spend it all in one place, hoo hoo! You may take your leave."

Balls caught it and felt the weight. He quickly left, wanting no part of what would happen next. As he got back on the Crusher, he heard blood-curdling screams behind him. A common fate befalling those who cross the shrewdest businessman on the planet.

Back on the road, he reminisced deeply about his late comrade and forgot to transform the vehicle. It seemed like a lifetime ago...

-\=\=**Flashback 1: The Pre-Beginning Part 1**=/=/-

Two young, musclebound men made their way to the front door of an old sheriff's station. Incidentally, there was still a sheriff in there using it for that very purpose.

He heard a knock on the door. "Who goes there? Identify yourself." He spoke in a slight country drawl and in a bored, somewhat monotone voice.

Two simultaneous kicks broke down the door. Not the most orthodox entry, but they did do as asked.

"Balls Steelface, best damn bounty hunter on UrFace." Balls introduced himself first. His partner was next.

"Nuke Dukem. I'm here to kick bubblegum and chew ass. And I'm all out of gum." Nuke was an equally skilled bounty hunter but he was missing a few pegs in the ol' noggin.

"You gotta come up with something better." Balls chided him.

"Enough!" The sheriff demanded an explanation. "You kick down my door and barge in with ludicrous claims, what the hell do you think you're doing?! Who said I was looking for you? I don't need your kind, I need professionals!"

"Blow it out your ass." Nuke retorted.

Balls had a good laugh. That never got old. He addressed the sheriff again. "You said you wanted the best of the best for a crazy mission. One that pays. Here we are. Where's this monster and how many assholes does it have?"

The sheriff had to admit he was getting desperate. Nobody was foolish enough to risk their own necks for such a difficult task, and these men looked both stupid and strong enough to do it. "Suppose I have to take what I can get. Not a whole lotta volunteers around these parts as you can imagine. All right, listen up." He pointed to a spot on the map behind him. "This is Rivendale. That's where we are now."

"That goes without saying, sheriff." Balls scratched his head.

"This town needs more hookers and porkchop sandwiches." Nuke provided the usual commentary.

"Just making sure we're on the same page." The sheriff continued. "Around this area right here is where you wanna go. It's a concentrated salt water lake and it's our town's biggest resource. Unfortunately, it's also the home of the monster we call 'Terror Riptide'. Big, nasty bastard. Tentacles everywhere. Bring me its biggest tentacle as proof that you done him in for good."

"Damn, where's a Japanese schoolgirl when you need her?" Nuke was hilariously inappropriate as always.

"What's the pay?" Balls asked a better question.

"We don't got Gilver to spare." The sheriff said something he didn't want to hear. "You can keep whatever's inside the monster's gut. The only other thing we can offer is some materials scavenged from the ground zero landing site. We got no use for 'em. If you have the tools to work the exotic metals, I'm sure it'll be good for something. What do you say?"

"Spacejunk and sloppy seconds? I'm in!" Nuke must have been especially nuts today.

"Dammit! There's no talking him out of it now. You gave us a raw deal, sheriff. Lucky for you, we always do it raw. Your daughter can tell you all about that." Balls made his way to the door, followed by Nuke.

"Real funny, wise guys. Just kill the thing, will ya?" The sheriff did have one last question. "Hey, what do you care how many assholes it has?"

Balls looked back. "For his sake, I hope it's at least four." He pointed downward. "Cause no matter how many it has," And looked at Nuke.

"Our boots..."

"His ass!"

They put on their matching aviators and slammed an epic high-five.

"_YEEEEAHHHHHHHHHH!_"

-/=/=**Back to the Future**=\=\-

Balls snapped out of it. He didn't like thinking of the rest, and he was nearing his base of operations in the area. He approached a low, modular building that looked a bit like a large tent. It was indeed made of a space-age fabric that was hard when it needed to be and soft when it didn't. He had acquired it many years ago as a young bounty hunter, part of the reward for claiming to have slain a tremendous beast.

He drove towards a seam in the fabric. It opened automatically, revealing a small but capable garage. He parked his bike and stepped off, finally able to get some R&R.

A female voice welcomed him. "Back in the Sack already? I guess it's home to the Balls for a reason." She was referring to the nomadic capability of the tent to be used as a protective wrap around the contents when in motion. It would be pliable at first, then stiffen to become indestructible and slick. It would then be dragged across the desert by Balls' Rod to any place that had plenty of work.

"Not much work lately, Cheeks. Might soon be time to pack the Sack and head out." Balls laid down on a large waterbed and switched on the TV.

"You know, for a place originally designed to hold two, there's still room with a tiny garage in here." Cheeks grabbed a few crescent wrenches off the wall racks and inspected the vehicle. She made sure to tie up her light brown hair in a bun so it would be out of the way.

"I told you sharing this big-ass bed was a good idea." Balls was right about the size of the bed, at least.

Cheeks giggled and got to work. She wore a dull orange T-shirt underneath a mundane pair of coveralls that went over her boots. She always seemed to have a tool in hand and some goggles on her head or face, sometimes covering her brown eyes. During the more distracting tasks, she would lower a flap of the same tent fabric which was conveniently sound-proof as well. This was just a routine inspection, and it revealed no issues.

"How's my girl?" Balls asked rhetorically. He knew the vehicle was fine.

"Still trucking. Wow, this stuff really holds up well. I can almost believe that it would have survived outer space and re-entry." Cheeks would always wonder.

"Hard as shit to fix when something does break. I only know how to keep it shiny. You know how to keep it runnin' smooth." Balls was smoking a run-of-the-mill cigar.

"Geez, you're so laid back." Cheeks put away the wrenches and lifted up her goggles. She walked over to the bed and took off most of her clothes. "I want to see that passion from when we first met." She got on top of him and massaged his chest. Slowly, she bent forward. This was definitely a distracting task that needed sound-proofing.

Many hours later, still in bed, Balls couldn't help but recall the rest of that fateful day long ago...


	3. Legendary Stones

-\=\=**Flashback 2: The Pre-Beginning Part 2**=/=/-

"Ah, shit." Balls had to go back inside. "Gotta set up the paperwork. Wait here."

"Put it fast in the past, we got no time to lose!" Nuke was itching for battle.

"Yeah, yeah. Hold your Oxsteeds and chill for a minute." Balls signed the contract in the sheriff's office. There must be one for every bounty, after all. Wanted posters serve as an open contract on a first come first serve basis. Bring whatever is requested on the poster and if everything checks out, the posted reward is transferred on the spot to the collector. In this case, it's a unique written contract with the exact terms laid out.

"So that's the deal. All of the Settler artifacts we got and anything you find inside of the monster in exchange for its death. The biggest tentacle is to be brought as evidence. All I need now is your signatures." The sheriff slid the paper across the table. "Both of you." He was referring to Nuke as well.

"No problem." Balls cracked his knuckles. He wore large brass insignias on his knuckles that read 'Left' and 'Right', respectively. He dipped them in some ink and slammed them on the signature line. "That's both of them, just like you said."

"What the-?" The sheriff barely had time to figure out what just happened. The two men were already gone, eager to kick some ass. "Your mother can suck on my left and right, Balls! And who's going to pay for my door?!" He was left shaking his fist at the crafty bounty hunters.

Balls and Nuke roared to the Red Lake, so called due to that heavy concentration of salt. They used an old favorite, a monster pick-up truck slapped together from scrap and a bunch of lesser engines jerry-rigged together. There were no tires, only spiked wheels. Rubber and other plastics in any form are one of those finite resources on UrFace that could only be originally found in ancient Settler landing sites. Since then, much of it has vanished or decayed over the millennium.

"Are we there yet? My fist hasn't punched a face in too long." Nuke complained. Fortunately, a glimmer on the horizon signified the proximity of the lake.

"Easy, partner. We're almost there. Just relax and enjoy the breeze." Balls turned up the radio. Only the same songs were ever played since that's all that was left from the Settlers' collection. Occasionally, something new would be found buried somewhere and released later at tremendous cost depending on how popular it might be. Yes, radio hasn't changed at all.

Suddenly, the truck cab shook violently. They were under attack!

Balls looked out the window. "Goretusks. Huge ones, too. The poor bastards got us surrounded."

Nuke was having fun. "Let's crush these oversized hogs!"

Balls set the gears to KILL. Fire belched out of the exhaust at the rear and sides of the truck. The nitro boost activated and wheelied them out of the pack of Goretusks trying to gore them with their tusks.

Blood and fur flew all over the place but there were still plenty left to give chase. They're fast and brutal. You just have to be faster and brutaler.

Nuke hopped on the truck bed and got on the M60 on a rear-facing pintle mount. "Here's a pig for you pigs! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" .30-cal projectiles peppered the pursuers and dropped them on the spot. Cases were quickly piling up beside him and soon there was a small mountain of brass forming beside him.

Balls yelled back. "They're thinnin' out! Grab a bag and sort those empty cases out before we lose them!"

"You got it, boss!" Nuke hopped off the machine gun and grabbed a tarp that was laid out at the bottom of the truck bed. He rolled it up and secured it. "Man, I haven't seen this much brass in a sack since I took a shower."

The remaining Goretusks were tiring out. They'd be trouble on the way back unless they were taken care of now. Balls mashed a big red button at the center of the console. "I suggest you duck!"

"Ducks? Where?" Nuke looked at the sky absentmindedly while a huge mortar emerged from the floor. "OH SHIT!" He dived back into the cab.

_FWOMP!_

"Why don't ya warn me next time, partner?" Nuke buckled up for what's to come.

"I warned ya this time, dumbass." Balls took one last puff on his cigar. "There's only one thing left to do now."

"Yeah." Nuke and Balls put their aviators on.

"Sit back..."

"...and NUKEM!"

That was two things, but they shared another epic high-five, meeting right as the warhead detonated behind them in a magnificent, bright, loud and ultra-powerful explosion.

"_YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAHHHHH!"_

-/=/=**Back to The Future=**\=\-

Bzzzzt. Bzzzt. Bzzzzzt. Bzzzt. Bzz-

Balls smashed off the alarm clock on the nightstand next to the bed. Literally, into many tiny pieces. He always kept a few around anyway. He yawned, noticing Cheeks lying naked next to him. Getting up and standing at the side of the bed, he recalled the recent dream.

He gently moved the bed with little effort, exposing a hole in the ground that contained a small safe. He put in the 4-digit combination: 1-3-3-7. The latch unlocked and the door swung open. Inside, there was a hand-sized brass figure of a hotheaded young bounty hunter who once bit off more than he could chew.

Balls smiled, remembering the good times. There was one other thing in the safe. It was a brass insignia that read 'Left'. His expression became more serious as he looked at both of his treasures. "I'd give my left too if it meant you'd be back, old friend."

"It's been five years already, huh?" Cheeks was up and partially dressed.

"Never you mind." Balls quickly put everything back where it should be. "How's my girl doing?"

"Still in the same condition as yesterday, unless you had a job this morning." Cheeks yawned and started making some coffee. These were special grounds that came from the seeds of miniature cactii that grew like grass in some places.

"I'm talking about you." Balls put an arm around her. "And the baby, too."

"We're doing fine. Just worry about yourself. Don't work too hard, okay?" Cheeks kissed him lightly. "Want some coffee?"

"Not today. I need to head out and see what I can find." Balls grabbed his vest and placed his hat firmly on his head. It wasn't going anywhere. "I'll be back tonight if I don't get any work." He put on his belt and slung a worn 10-gauge shotgun over his back.

The Crusher sprung to life at the touch of its master. Balls kicked it into proper gear and ramped out of the garage, grabbing some sweet air. He was headed back to Rivendale.

He reached a familiar old building in town. It was the sheriff's office. He entered the building the normal way. The door had since been fortified. "Morning, sheriff."

"Mornin'." The sheriff was relaxing on a recliner in front of a bunch of papers. As usual, they were several days past due. They drew a funny look from the bounty hunter. "Oh these? I'll get to 'em eventually. So, what brings you here?"

"The same old, sheriff." Balls had done this hundreds of times over the years.

"Well, I ain't got no work for you. I'm telling ya, it's been slow. You been doing too good a job, I suppose." The sheriff did have something new to add. "Hey, did ya hear the news?"

"What news?" Balls was usually aware of these things.

"Some science-types at the Second Settlement discovered something big. They say that even the Settlers didn't have this technology for themselves. It's entirely new. At least, it is to mankind." The sheriff commanded attention with this breakthrough.

"Out with it, what the hell are you talking about?" Balls had a one-track mind, but even he was interested.

The sheriff looked around even though he knew nobody was there. He leaned in close, in a whisper. "Time-travel." Seeing the look on Balls' face, he continued in a normal voice. "Time-fuckin'-travel, Balls. They say that it must have been alien tech, hidden away on one of the ships. Somebody must have stolen it from the attacking aliens when what was left of our species fled Earth."

"That's crazy talk. If the aliens had that technology, they'd be here right now giving us hell." Balls brought up a fair point.

"You know about the Settler's Stones, right? The first survivors etched their history into two enormous boulders once they hunkered down in the First Settlement." The sheriff spoke of things everyone already knew.

"Yeah, but most of the text is eroded. The last bit that was readable told us what happened to Earth." Balls put two and two together. "That's right, the whole damn planet blew up. You're saying that what those scientists found over at the Second Settlement is the only time machine or whatever left?"

"The details are fuzzy, classified 'n' all that. They just made the announcement this morning on the radio. Who knows how it works or if it works. But that theory's as good as any right now." The sheriff added one more thing. "They're saying that because it's so small, it might have been more of a convenience thing, like a replicator. It's also how it was able to be stolen and hidden so easily. Doesn't look like anything bigger than large briefcase could fit in there."

Balls slammed the desk. It was reinforced with dimetarium so it only dented slightly. "Then what's the point? It's a waste of time! All I want to know is where Terror Riptide is, goddammit!"

The sheriff sighed. "It hasn't shown hide nor tentacle in 5 years, what makes you so sure it's still alive after all this time?"

"You weren't there." Balls stared at a spot on the far wall. Somehow, his face seemed to be getting closer and showed an intense expression as he remembered that fateful fight...


	4. Last Rock

\=\=**Final Flashback: The Pre-Beginning Part 3: The Pre-End**=/=/

After that epic rampage, the bounty hunters reached the Red Lake in no time. The mini-nuke they detonated spread radioactive fallout to a large portion of the area. The citizens of Rivendale would have to trek a longer route to get to the lake and it wasn't good for the wildlife, either.

"That was cool and everything but maybe a little overkill. All life will be null and void in this place for decades to come." Nuke had a rare moment of lucid reasoning.

"You're right. We killed them and their descendants. Precious lives, never to feel the warmth of the sun." Balls sobered up from the adrenalin and hung his head. They took off their aviators and looked at eachother, sharing a moment of silence... That lasted about one second.

"M-M-M-MULTIKILL! RIP, bitches!" Nuke guffawed heartily and jumped off the truck.

"That'll teach those snorters to mess with the King." Balls hit another button on the dash, opening a hatch on the truck bed that revealed a massive assortment of massive guns. "One more thing to kill."

Nuke rubbed his hands together and picked his favorites. "I got the RPG and the Ripper."

Balls picked his. "The chainsaw and shotgun are mine." The weapons made some satisfying mechanical clicking noises as they immediately appeared in their hands.

"Let's bag us a beast." Nuke headed to the shore.

"First thing's first. We gotta get it pissed enough to show up." Balls wondered how they would achieve that.

"Pissed?" Nuke unzipped his fly. "More like pissed on! Come out ya giant squid!" He relieved himself right into the lake.

"You crazy son of a bitch." Balls just shook his head. That was sure to get its attention.

"And if this doesn't work, it's on to plan #2." That plan was exactly what it sounds like. Fortunately, Nuke didn't have to go that far.

Terror Riptide burst out from beneath the surface of the lake with a deafening roar, dousing the bounty hunters in salty fluids! "GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!"

"Thar she blows!" Balls covered his face with his forearm. "Time to turn this fish into its own lead sinker. Shoot it!"

"Eat shit and die!" Nuke ripped into it with the Ripper. The triple barrels allowed an unreal length of sustained fire, but the creature's hide was too thick. The bullets simply impacted harmlessly and fell into the water.

"This isn't working! We need bigger guns!" Balls' shotgun wasn't faring any better.

"I got just what the doctor ordered." Nuke pulled out the RPG. "Here's a pill for you to swallow, dirtbag!" He launched missiles in quick succession. They exploded on the face area of the beast like mortar shells exploding in a filthy swamp.

The beast recoiled in pain and roared again. "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGHHH!" It wasn't going to take that sitting on its four asses. It raised a gigantic tentacle and lunged into a powerful stab.

Nuke saw the counterattack coming, but his partner didn't. "Balls!" Everything went into slow motion. "Loooooook oooouuuuuutttt!" He leaped with all his might and pushed Balls out of the way just in time.

Balls was knocked out when he hit the ground. He woke up a little while later with a slight concussion. "Ugh, my head. What the hell did you do that for?" He looked around but couldn't see anyone. The beast had been blinded in one eye and retreated under the surface. It sustained heavy damage, though no carcass could be found.

"Nuke." Balls called out. "Hey, Nuke! Where ya at? We gotta go make sure this thing is dead." He saw a huge tentacle lying on the shore, separated from its owner. "Well, at least we can go turn in that bounty." He followed the tentacle up to the tip and saw a most dreadful sight.

In saving his partner's life, Nuke had been stabbed through the gut. He was propped up against a rock, waiting out his final moments.

"Nuke! Holy hell, are you all right?" Balls rushed to his side and knelt.

Nuke coughed heavily, spitting out blood with each heave. "Y-Yeah... I'm fine. J-Just a flesh w-wound." He coughed again.

"Shit man, we gotta get you to a doctor. Can you stand?" Balls tried to lift him. He wouldn't budge.

"I can't... feel my legs." Nuke coughed some more. "Or my s-spleen."

"This isn't good. Can you at least feel part of your spleen?" Balls assessed the damage.

"It's like... Like I was b-born with no spleen." Nuke hacked and wheezed. "It's the end of the road for me, Balls. It was good... while it... last...ed..." He went limp, eyes still open and head drooped to one side. He was gone for good.

"Nuke? NUKE?! NUUUUUUUUUUUKE!" Balls shook him violently. But it was too late. The camera was already rotating away in a poignant a bird's-eye-view shot. The only thing he could do was scream fruitlessly at the sky.

"_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_"

/=/=**Back to the Future**=\=\

"Hey, Balls." The sheriff snapped his fingers. "You okay, buddy? You've been staring at that wall for a while now."

"I'm fine, sheriff." Balls rubbed his face.

"Yeah well, like I was saying, there ain't no work for you out here. You best check in with your 'favorite' client. I'm sure he's always got something up his sleeve for a man like you." The sheriff waved him out of the office.

"You're probably right. I don't like going there, but all I need is one more big job to make sure my wife and coming kid will be set." Balls knew that he was going to face immense danger soon. Danger that could cost him his life.

Balls took the familiar route to Murgle's cave. He reached the platform with the intercom and pressed the buzzer. "Open says me, motherfucker. I know you got shit to be taken care of." Without a response, the platform opened up and balls entered the main chamber.

Murgle was not pleased by the interruption. "I don't believe I've contacted you today, bounty hunter."

"Blow it out your ass. The sooner I get a decent job, the sooner I'm out of your badly-permed hair." Balls pressed hard.

"I have nothing for you. Leave." Murgle was eager to send him away.

"Do I look like a bull?" Balls asked a strange question.

"What?" Murgle blinked.

"I said, do I look like a goddamn bull?" Balls continued.

"Uh... No?" Murgle answered.

Balls closed the distance before anyone could react and shoved him against the wall. "Then why are you shitting me like one?!"

In all of the time he had dealt with the famous bounty hunter duo and with Balls himself, Murgle had never seen him this desperate. "O-Okay! Just unhand me, please!"

Balls stepped back and put him down. "That's more like it."

Murgle adjusted his polka-dotted tie. "I didn't want to give you this job yet. I was hoping to save it for later. However, it's a big job and it pays to match. That's what you want, isn't it?"

"Yeah. I can do it, whatever it is." Balls needed the big bucks.

"I have a newly-processed rock of Gilver ready for you if you succeed." Murgle furrowed his bushy brows. "If you fail, it will be my head on a pike. On a pike, you hear?"

"Just tell me what needs to be done." Balls was running out of time.

Murgle fidgeted somewhat and moved away. "Well, Mr. Steelface, it's quite simple. In fact, you hardly have to do anything at all." He jumped behind his pneumatic throne. "Jasper, now!"

"As you wish, sir." Jasper pulled out a large remote control with a single red button and pressed it. Secret doors in the chamber walls opened up and huge killer robots emerged to eliminate the threat!

"Your job is to die, you oafish philistine! Hahaha!" Murgle escaped to the panic room/treasury safe with Jasper.

Balls calmly unslung his shotgun. "The only thing you did is save me gas money, you back-stabbing coward."

"Intruder Alert. Intruder Alert. Surrender And Be Destroyed." The murderous mechs boasted dual chain guns for arms and hidden flamethrowers.

"Five of you? This won't take long." Balls' shotgun was a pump style that held up to eight 3.5-inch magnum shells in the tube magazine plus another in the chamber.

The robots fired their chain guns at Balls, but his movements were too erratic for their tracking systems. He dodged every bullet but didn't fire back yet. Their armor plating was too much for his high explosive rounds. He had to wait for an opening.

"Ammunition Depleted. Switching To Flamethrowers." Their crotch slots revealed long, telescoped barrels that belched fire at a wide angle.

Balls knew that this was his chance. "Brace yourselves, this might sting a little." He systematically fired at each of their flamethrowers, using the explosive rounds to detonate the remaining fuel in their tanks. They blew up in short order, sending bits and bolts flying in all directions.

The blast tossed Balls to the other side of the room. After the dust settled, he got up and grabbed his hat. "That's gotta hurt."

Looking through the wreckage, Balls had an idea. He quickly cobbled together a blowtorch from pieces of the flamethrowers' gas lines. "Time to collect my payment." He cut a square doorway into the panic room.

Inside, it was a rather lavish and comfortable place. There was a painting on the far wall and plush seats, fancy foods and bottled water, anything a rich refugee could desire. There was even a luxury sports car on a viewing platform on one side of the room.

Murgle was cowering in a far corner while Jasper stood next to him in a dignified manner. The butler turned to his master. "It would seem that Sir Steelface has some business with you that simply cannot wait."

"W-What are you saying, stop him!" Murgle didn't know what else to do.

"Regrettably, you are a most unpleasant individual and it would behoove me to see your face smashed in." Jasper stepped aside.

"Appreciated." Balls moved past him. "Nice painting. 'The Moaning Lisa', a true classic." He was no philistine after all.

"Please, don't do this! Remember all the good times we shared? I gave you your most profitable work!" Murgle pleaded just like they all did.

"I got a wife and kid to take care of. Something tells me that you won't let me live happily ever after." Balls knew he couldn't let him go.

""I-I-I will, I will! I'll leave them alone, I swear! No more trouble from me!" Murgle made a promise that he was sure not to deliver on.

"I don't have a pike so I guess I'll take your word for it..." Balls was truly the patron of mercy.

"Y-you will? Oh thank you, you won't regret thi-!" Murgle was silenced.

"...in Hell!" Balls knocked him out with the butt of his shotgun and turned to Jasper. "I'll be taking him, the car and that Gilver rock. Rest is yours. Go nuts."

"That is most welcome, good sir. May we meet again someday." Jasper was thinking about taking over the business and using these vast resources for the good of the people.

"Someday." Balls took what he came for and headed back home, towing the sports car with Murgle in it. There was much preparation to be done for his final task.


	5. Steel Jewels

Balls approached the Steelface HQ. He left Murgle outside with the fancy car while he entered with the Crusher - Perhaps for the last time. He called out to his #1 lady. "Cheeks, you here?"

Cheeks showed up in her typical mechanic's overalls and cotton t-shirt. "Back already? I was just tinkering with something." She flipped a crescent wrench in the air and caught it with one hand. "Let's see how badly you scratched the paint this time."

"Actually," Balls approached her and put up a hand. "That can wait. We gotta talk." The way he said it perfectly denoted the good and bad nature of the information to come.

"Did you find work or what?" Cheeks looked worried.

"I did. That's the good news. Check it out." Balls produced the massive Gilver rock he had helped himself to.

Cheeks was almost speechless and shaded her eyes. "I-Is that what I think it is? It's so... bright. So shiny!" She jumped for joy. "This is wonderful! We're set for a whole decade with this. Just think about it. No more dangerous jobs, no more doing someone else's dirty work. No more worrying... Our child will grow up with everything his heart desires. We can finally be a real family. Oh, Balls!" She ran up and hugged him. "How did you even manage this?

"I took care of a rotten vulture that wouldn't stop squawking. I didn't even need one stone for that bird, but I always got two to spare." Balls picked up on something peculiar. "Hey, did you say 'his'? My kid's a boy?"

Cheeks covered her mouth. "It was supposed to be a surprise. Oh well! I had a gene sonogram this morning and the doctors said he's healthy and strong. They expect him to be born 5 months from now."

"He'll be tough, just like his old man!" Balls kissed his wife. "You're strong, too. And you're going to have to be, I'm afraid."

"What do you mean?" Cheeks was immediately suspicious. "You can't mean..."

"It's finally time. I'm ready to finish what I started 5 years ago." Balls spoke slowly and methodically.

"No... No, not now. Why?" Cheeks backed away and sunk to the floor. "Why now of all times? Why, Balls?!"

"What can I say? The bait needs to be fresh." Balls tried to play it down. This decision was harder than any battle he had ever fought.

Cheeks grew silent. She knew what this meant.

Balls sighed. "If I'm not here tomorrow, go to the sheriff. I'll leave a note for both of you to read. He'll know what to do."

Cheeks said nothing. She buried her head in between her knees.

"I'm leaving Crusher to you. And I guess everything else, too." Balls turned around and walked away. He stopped at the entrance to look back and leave the note. The late morning sun cast an aura around him as he pressed forward again, putting his aviators on. "This is goodbye."

Balls jumped in the sports car with the incapacitated Murgle still inside and headed for the fated battleground – The crimson shores of the Red Lake.

\=\=\=\=\

The pampered vehicle groaned and creaked. It was meant for the semblance of tarpalt that dotted the main throughways between the settlements, not the rocky and dusty soil of the open badlands. Still, the familiar glimmer showed itself on the horizon as it did years ago. It's different this time, he told himself. He had thrown away everything. He had nothing left to lose now.

Balls drove up to the shoreline. He turned the car around and put the rear wheels, tires and all, in the water. He looked at his passenger to see if he had come to yet. A few slaps to the face guaranteed it. "Wake up. You're no good to me unconscious, you lousy rat."

Murgle coughed several times, Balls' cigar smoke wafting in his face. Still groggy and suffering head trauma, he was understandably confused. "Jasper... Jasper is that you? Turn the AC on... It's so hot..."

Balls got out of the car and went over to the passenger side. "Jasper doesn't have to wipe your hairy ass anymore."

"Steelface!" Murgle struggled against the restraints. "Now I remember, I remember it all! Filthy swine, you'll pay for this!"

"Yeah that's right, make a lot of noise. I need you to thrash around." Balls fiddled with the unbuckled seat belt. "How the hell do you work this thing?"

"W-wait what are you doing? Where are we? I've never been here before." Murgle looked around desperately. "The Red Lake? No... NO! PLEASE, ANYTHING BUT THIS!"

Balls finally got the belt snapped in and removed the rope cuffs. He grabbed his cigar and used it to melt the lock shut. "Safety first, asshole." He put the car in neutral and kicked it into the water.

Murgle's final moments were spent in agonizing terror as he tried in vain to escape. "LET ME OUT! LET ME OUUUTT! LET MEBLRRBGGBRLRBRKR-"

Soon, the bubbles stopped coming up and the rumbling began. The big bastard was on his way, just as eager to settle things permanently.

The beast crashed through the surface of the water with as much ferocity as Balls remembered.

"RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOORRRRRRRRRRAAAARRRRRAAAAAAA!" Terror Riptide could smell his greatest prey.

Balls already had his chainsaw rolling. "My old arch-nemesis. Didn't get to use this last time, did I?" He revved it up and lifted it in the air. "Come on. COME ON! COME GET SOME!"

The beast roared again and launched a mighty tentacle at him. Balls dodged and chopped it off. Slimy flesh and dark green blood flew everywhere along with the occasional shard of bone.

Terror Riptide recoiled in pain. The tentacles grow back eventually, but it takes months and it still hurts like hell. That's why there's more than one. With another deafening roar, it swung two opposing tentacles, coming together in a deadly clamp.

Balls was ahead of the game, however. He back-flipped into the air, not only avoiding the crushing power of the tentacles but also swinging the chainsaw from one side to the other, lopping off both of the offending protrusions in one swift blow!

The beast was literally on its last legs, or rather appendages, but it wasn't out for the count just yet. There's still a lot of fight left in the wounded giant. One wrong move could spell disaster for either of them.

"Is that all you got? I'm gonna eat green calamari and eggs for dinner!" Balls finally went on the attack. He jumped at the creature and tried to attack the eyes.

Terror Riptide wouldn't go down so easy, however. From beneath the crashing waves, it launched a tentacle stab straight upwards. The aim was impeccable and brutal. It went right between his legs and struck with a ghastly, knee-buckling crunch!

Balls was frozen. It was just a few seconds, but it seemed like an eternity. The lake was calm for a short time as the sickening sound echoed across the land. Legends would say that the planet itself hunched over and even the twin suns scrunched together in deference to what had occurred in that very moment.

Then, suddenly, the buzz of the chainsaw could be heard again. It was brought down swiftly and mercilessly, making brain noodle soup out of the monster's gray matter! It was done. Terror Riptide is dead at last, never to return. Yes, the sticky remnant of the ancient aliens has been wiped off of UrFace once and for all.

How can this be? Surely, even the mighty Balls would be staggered by such an attack. Well, friends, I did say that he came prepared. Once his genetic lineage was assured, he replaced the weakest point of a male with metal. What kind? Let's hear it straight from the man himself.

Balls landed on the beach with expert precision. He had lost his aviators in the process but he always had back-ups. He put them on. "I've got balls of brass."

Brass is malleable and resistant to many things, it does not break easily and can bear extreme temperatures without succumbing. Unfortunately, it is too soft for the purpose. Indeed, the kind of carbon-infused metal that would be best for that is all too rare on UrFace, and what little can be found is quickly snatched up and used in expensive machinery.

This is why, after but a few steps taken towards the setting desert sun, Balls collapsed to the ground. There on the barren earth, he breathed his last breath. His chainsaw fell beside him, still purring as if mourning its master. So closes the chapter on the greatest bounty hunter who ever lived.

\=\=\=\=\

A cloaked figure made its way down a lonely stretch of tarpalt. As it approached the next settlement, the roads were better maintained. Some areas were even paved from edge to edge. A sign could be seen through the heat mirage and further still was a faint outline of a city.

The sign read 'Entering 2nd Settlement Limits – 5 miles'. The figure pressed on. In its arms was a small bundle, wrapped to block the sun and vent air. After two more hours of pained shambling, they were in the city. The first stop was a local tavern for some much-needed rest and sustenance.

"Welcome, stranger. Haven't seen you around here before." The bartender greeted his newest customer. He got a closer look. "Holy cow, you look like you've just been dragged in here by a rabid goretusk. Have a drink on the house. One for the little guy, too."

The figure took the kind offer without a word and made a mug of iodized water practically disappear.

"Not much of a talker, huh? I can respect that. Well, if you're here in that state, you must be looking for something. Maybe I can help." The bartender attempted to coax some words from the stranger.

"What's the fastest way to the Artifact Research Center?" Cheeks pulled down the hood of her cloak. She did not look well at all. Here eyes were sunken and had long since lost their luster.

The bartender frowned slightly. "I know better than to ask why but... That place is top level clearance only. I don't think you'll get in there, sorry to say."

"Let me worry about that." Cheeks was blunt and to the point. She didn't want to waste any more time.

"If you say so. Head to the center of town where they built the new fountain and go west until you reach a gate with a guard post. You're on your own from there." The bartender waved goodbye.

Cheeks followed the directions as closely as she could. Just as promised, the fence with the guards was in sight.

"Halt. State your business." One of the guards, armed with a crude sub-machine gun, made it quite clear that this was for authorized personnel only.

Cheeks handed him an official clearance pass.

"The Sheriff of Rivendale signed this? I'll be damned. Just who are you, lady?" The guard opened the gates for her.

"The second-most important person on this entire planet right now." Cheeks went inside and was immediately met by her contact.

"Ah, Ms. Cheeks, I presume? Dr. Bangher, at your service." He stretched out a hand in greeting. It wasn't well-received.

"Whatever it is you're going to do, you had better do it soon before I change my mind." Cheeks was tired and drained, weary and afraid.

"Understandable, Ms. Cheeks. Come, this way please." Dr. Bangher led her to the inner sanctum of the sprawling facility where the most classified work was taking place. "Here we are. Feast your eyes on our greatest creation!"

It was a large, sterile dome of sorts with bright white lights all around. There were instruments and panels behind windowed enclosures and in the center was the pièce de résistance – The time machine itself.

"Truly magnificent, is it not?" Dr. Bangher couldn't help but marvel at the diminutive device. "We've spent a monumental amount of time and effort in order to figure out just how it works. Truly, it is an unparallelled endeavor from the most brilliant minds of our day. Myself included, of course."

"I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe I'm here." Cheeks had severe doubts.

"Neither can I, even after all this time. It's downright exhilarating!" Dr. Bangher was getting ahead of himself.

"Listen here you overzealous brainiac, this is my one and only son we're talking about here. My baby boy, do you understand? I want 100% assurance that your head isn't so far up your own ass that you can't ensure his safety. Are we clear?" Cheeks laid down the law.

"I uh... Of course. I'm told that you have a letter of consent?" Dr. Bangher adjusted his round glasses.

Cheeks showed him the note that had been left to her many months prior.

"Let's see here..." Dr. Bangher gave it a once-over.

_"To my wife, Cheeks, whom I love dearly, and to all it may concern,_

_If you are reading this, I didn't make it back from my fight with Terror Riptide. I just hope I sentenced the bastard to a watery grave for what he and his kind have done. Assuming this letter gets to the right people at the right time, this is the topic: The aliens who destroyed the Earth and how to save our ancient home.  
_

_For a millennium we have fought tooth and nail against the hostile environment of UrFace. That we have lasted this long is a testament to the human spirit and ingenuity, and to our survival as groups and communities who help one another. Yet, the Settler's Stones clearly tell us that this was a crash landing on a non-ideal planet._

_Of the little resources we have, we are running dry rapidly. In another hundred years, we'll be totally extinct. The aliens will have won if we allow this to happen. Cheeks, in your arms is the savior of mankind. I know it's hard, believe me I know, but our son can live a better life and save us all... You just have to let him go._

_Take him to the 2nd Settlement. They have the technology to send him back in time to defeat the aliens. This is our last chance to take back our planet. Cheeks, I'll leave the final decision up to you. If nothing else, give him a good name for me._

_With love and strength,_

_oo~Balls"_

Even Dr. Bangher was moved by such a compelling prose. He solemnly returned the letter. "Ladies and gentlemen, prepare the machinery. We have a live victi- er, subject to work with. Ms. Cheeks, your son will be a true hero."

Cheeks unwrapped the blanket covering her son. Her eyes welled up as she kissed him on the forehead. "Mommy loves you, sweetheart. I hear the Earth is lush and beautiful. Live well, my son."

Dr. Bangher took the child and placed him in the device. He closed the shieldpiece. "We're ready to go." He gave the signal to proceed and quickly took Cheeks inside one of the viewing enclosures.

The process began and the whole room lit up with flashes of light and disruptions in the fabric of spacetime. It was noisy and blinding, and in the blink of an eye, destiny was set in motion. Only one question remained.

Who was this hero?

\=\=\=\=\

"I'm Duke Nukem." The engine roared on the Hog as Duke kicked it into gear. "I've got balls of steel, and I'm here to kick ass and chew bubblegum." He put on his signature sunglasses. "And I'm all out of gum." He ramped off a skyscraper into the alien mothership.

"Hail to the King, baby!"


End file.
